Hinunangan guy robbed a bank in Manila at gunpoint. He yelled a warning to
all people in the bank, "Walang kikilos! Kong kikilos kayo, ahong pupusilin!"
Contributed by J.C.Lopez
nasayod sija, guisumbag ko didto, mibotoy, milantoy malipay ba
kamo.
ma-o kini ang da-an pulitika sa hinunangan.
salamat-frank
Contributed by Frank Brua
Warehouse Manager
DNSC San Diego
Phone (858) 452-9676
Fax (858) 452-9623
English Class
Teacher: Juan, use AMONG in a sentence;
Juan: Maam, AMONG kamote gibukbok...
Teacher: Pedro, why are you absent yesterday;
Pedro: (naghunahuna unsaon pagtubag sa inglis nga nanganak ang nanay niya.)
Teacher: Stand up Pedro:
Pedro: Maam, I was absent yesterday, because my mother was born.
Teacher: Jose, how did you spend your summer vacation in your province?
Jose: Maam, I went to the fiesta, I eat the one by one (mingkaon siya kada balay
I dance the night (mibayle ako sa pagkagabi-i)
I was hungry, so I went home and cooked myself. (gigutom siya, mingpauli ug
nagluto para sa ijang kaugalingon.
Daghang salamat...
Contributed by Becca
email: rollsroyce548@hotmail.com
"dalaga na ang anak nya,so nag advice yong nanay.
nanay: nak, paghinawakan yong upper mo sa boyfriend sabihin mo "don't"
pag hinawakan ka down there sabihin mo "stop"
so, anong ginawa sa boyfriend mo sa iyo?
anak: nay,......e.....sinabay ang paghawak nya so sabi ko "don't stop!!!
"
Contributed by Kathleen Kujath of Texas
Naglalakad nagtetext nasagasaan - PATAY!
Kumakain nag tetext nabilaukan - - PATAY!
Nagdadrive nagtetext nabangga -- PATAY!
May celfon walang nag tetext - - - NAGPAKAMATAY!
Contributed by Jenalyn Burila of Belgium
Kalunoron na ang barko
Pari: San Pedro! San Jose! San Juan!....
Madre: Sta. Maria! Sta. Clara! Sta. Lucia!...
Intsik sa nangan: Ano beyan! lubok na bahko tawak tawak pa kayo pasahero!!
Contributed by Anonymous
Unsa gajod?
JOY : Kung may gustong mag-rape sa aho, imo ba gajod akong panalipdan?
ROD : Siyempre!
JOY: Unsa kung duha sila?
ROD : Bisan pa.
JOY: E, kung tulo o upat?
ROD : Teka, unsa ba gajod ang gusto mo, ang mamatay ako o ma-rape ka?
Contributed by Anonymous
May duha ka magkumare na miadto sa mercado
Mare 1: Kahibawo ka, Mare, pag nakita ko ang patatas, mahinumdum ako sa balls
ng Mister ko. (kubot ang patatas)
Mare 2: Gusto mong ipasabot, ingon niana kadako ang balls ni Pare.
Mare 1: Dili, ingon niana ka bulingon.
(yaks)
Contributed by Anonymous
Lingaw-Lingaw lang........
KITA KUNONG MGA NANGNON, BISA'G UNSA KADAKO SA ATONG
PROBLEMA, NAAGIHAPON TAY PANAHON SA KALIPAY UG
PAKATAWA SA UBAN.TINUOD? KUNG UYON KA, DI HALA BASAHA NI, KUNG DILI GANI,
HASKANG MALASA NIMO!
NANGNON 1: Pre, unsa'y ibig sabihin ng 'cooling place'?
NANGNON 2: Sus! Dugay ka na sa Manila, tonto ka pa rin. Pag nag-ring
ang phone, sasabihin mo, "Helow, who's cooling place?"
Diperensya sa Pobre ug Adunahan
Kung adunahan ka, duna kay "allergy", kung pobre ka, aduna kay"korikong"
Sa pobre, "nabu-ang', kung adunahan,"nervous breakdown" tungod sa "tension"
Contributed by Anonymous
Four insurance companies are in competition:
One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb
to the tomb.
"Not to be outdone, the third one pulls out a stunner with, "From the
sperm to the worm.
"The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with,
"From erection to resurrection."
Contributed by Nato Hordista
Non-English speaking countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate
with their English-speaking tourists, NJOI..........
Information booklet about using a hotel air-conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM,
PLEASE
CONTROL YOURSELF.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HER AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
TIME.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS - WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND
SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT
TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
In a Japanese cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
GRAVES.
Contributed by Nato Hordista
Ton-Shing-Wa
Hinundayanon:Bay,unsa may ininglis sa Ton-Shing-Wa.
Hinunangnon:Ambot lang,ininchik man na! unsa man bi?.
Hinundayanon:Waka kabaho? Wa-shing-ton!.
Nag away.
Hinundayanon:Bay,arang hubuga nako (hek)..
Hinunangnon:(hek) Ako pod bay..
Hinundayanon:Bay,(hek)kita ka anang buwan? (hek)bi ba ang kolor nija blue?..
(hek)
Hinunangnon:Dili oi!,(hek)yellow ang kolor sa buwan oi!..
Hinundayanon:(hek) Di lagi yellow! blue lagi na!.
Hinunangnon:(hek) hubug kana lagi bay,yellow lagi ng buwan..
Niagi nga libat..
Hinundayanon:Nong,(hek)nag lanis mi ning ahong amigo!(hek) ingngon ahong amigo yellow kuno ng buwan!.
Hinunangnon:(hek) Nong,kita ka anang buwan?Unsa man gajud ng kolora?.
Ingngon ang libat:Asa man anang duha?.
Buta
Buta gi bog-bog sa suntok,puerting suku-a kay gikulata,ingngon sija:
Piste mo ha! salig mo kay buta ko! magpakita lang mo!.
CR
Taga sawang, hubug,nangotana:Bay,(hek) asa man ang injong CR?.
Taga barrio:Naa sa unahan lang og gamay bay,inig abot nimo sa tumoy liko sa wa,unja og naa kana sa wa liko sa tu-o..
pag balik sa taga sawang,puerting basa-a sa injang wa nga karsonis..
Taga barrio:Bay,ngano nga nabasa man lagi ng imong wa nga karsonis?.
Taga sa.
wang:(hek)...huh!..gi atay na!...(hek) Itlog man diay tong ahong nai gawas!
Contributed by Benjo Silab
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Smart Lady
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that youyour balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."
Contributed by Meritchie Humang-it
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't
waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer;
that's like saying you can extend
the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a
nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of
delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
>vegetable). And a pork chop can give
you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
more of the goodness that way.
Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms
up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO .... Cocoa Beans ... another vegetable!! It's
the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the
grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand -
strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out,
and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
Contributed by Anonymous
Anak: Nay, nay, gidugo na lagi ko o.
Inahan: Aber, unsa may kolor kuno.
Anak: Mora man ug brown Nay?
Inahan: Uy paghilom kang babayeha ka. Hala , labhi dayon ang imong brief kay igit na!
Contributed by Mary Ann B. Delute-San Diego, CA
PARE: Igsu, walay bakak bakak... nakatilaw naka ug baboy...
MUSLIM: Oh, padre lami kaayo oy... pero padre.. tug-an sa tinuod...
nakatilaw naka ug
babaye...?
PARE: Sus, Igsu... layo ra kaayo ang baboy...
Bungi: silawa sa adlaw oi!
Opaw: Piste ning bungi a nagpadungog dungog!!
Bungi:Sinawa oi! Grabeh ka INIT!
Opaw: Btaw tan awa imong simod dba nangLIKI sa kainiT!!!
asawa: hon, ok ra nimo na apple ang flavor sa akong feminine wash?
bana: ok ra hon, naanad na man sad ko'g durian.
2 room mates talking...
BOY 1 : Part, lami kaayo dream nako gabii! Gitilaan daw nako ang
tunga-tunga sa boobs ni Ara Mina!
BOY 2 : Buang ka! bantog ra basa akong lubot!
Unsaon nimo pag-sulti kong ang imong kaistorya baho ug baba nga d cya
ma
offend?
Lain say atoa TAE imong sud-an kanina sa?
1st night-Lola wear see through dress....Lolo did'nt react...
2nd night, Lola wear t-back...Lolo still deadma...
3rd night, Lola all naked...Lolo said; Unsa na imong gisoot? kunot2x
lagi
na?
Asawa nasakpan gikuan sa silingan....gipusil sa bana ang lalake, PATAY!
ASAWA : Sus, banaha ka! kung dili ka mag-usab sa imong batasan, mahurot
atong
silingan!!!
TITSER : Class, use AMONG in a sentence...
STUDENT 1 : AMONG the trees, the coconut is the best!
TITSER : Very good! How about you Kevin?
KEVIN : AMONG maid gikamang ni Papa!
Samtang nagklase si Maam Isyat, siya nagkanayon...
Maam Isyat : Kinsa ninyo ganahan muadto sa langit?!
...Ug ang tanang mga estudyante niisa sa ilang tuong kamot, gawas lang
kang
Pedro...
Maam Isyat : O Pedro, nganong dili man ka ganahan muadto sa langit?!
Pedro : Maam, nitugon man gud 'to si mama nga paulion ko niya ug sayo!
Posti: Dok Gusto ta kong mangpahimo pa ug usa ka lungag.
Doctor: Oi, Ngano ngano man?
Prosti: Kusog na man gud ako negosyo, magtukod kog branch.
JOE : Kumusta man ang bakasyon boy ?
BOY : Pait, sabado napiang manok ni tiyo, sud-an namo tinola nga
manok..Domingo napiang
baboy, sud-an namo litson, kaganina napiang si tiyo, sud-an namo
wa
na nako
gisusi, nikaon ko sa gawas.
si botsi ni adto sa iyang barkada sa iloilo kay lagi bakasyon man,,,,
sa
dihang ni abot na sila sa balay tayming nga nanga on ang mga ginikana
sa
iyan barkada,,,so gi agda siya sa papa sa iyan barkad,,,
PAPA: DONG BOTSI KAON TA ANAY???
murag nalain si botsi, ti amo na pakan on ka og anay,so ni tubag lang
siya
.....
Botsi: SIGE LANG NOY SALAMAT,,
so ang mama napod sa iyang barkada ni agda ni botsi,,
MAMA: DONG BOTSI KAON TA BLAA...
Soos!! ni samot og ka lain si botsi tiaw nang pakan on ka og tabla???
sa
sunod kalit og abot ang ig agaw sa iyang barkada og nag kanayon,,,,
IGAGAW: DONG BOTSI KAON TA E??
perting laguta ni botsi og wala ka pogong ni tubag gyod siya og mi
ingon,,,,,,,,
BOTSI: PART ANG TABLA OG ANG ANAAAY MAKAON PA!! PERO ANG TAE, DILI
NA!!!!
Tatay : Anak, paimna ang kabaw!
Anak : O, 'tay!
Anak : 'tay, dili man muinom ang kabaw!
Tatay : Unsa man diay imong gibutangan sa tubig?
Anak : Gibutang nako sa baso 'tay!
Tatay : Hanggaw kaman diaw, dili gyud 'to makainom, butangi ug straw!
Wife: Milagro, kasayo gud nimo niuli
Huband: Nituman lang ko sa sogo sa akong boss, Ingon cya "GO TO HELL"..
uli
dayon ko..
titser: juan, do u know jose rizal?
juan: no mam
titser: kaw pedr0?
pedr0: no mam
titser: wala jud ninyu kaila ni jose rizal?
juan: mam basin naa na cya sa pikas section
Contributed by Anonymous
Joke lang?
She responds, "Well, it's not me, but my husband likes really big ones.
He's been after me about it, so I thought I'd check into it."
The doctor says, "Look, your breasts are just fine, and I can't ethically operate
on you. If you'd like, though, I can recommend a non-surgical
technique that should increase your size some. Every morning, take a wad of
toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts about four times."
The woman says, "That will make them bigger?"
Sure it will," the surgeon says, "look what it did for your ass!"
Contributed by Meritchie Humang-it
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